Over the past few weeks, my university’s library was like my second home. I came in just after the sun had risen, and didn’t leave until the sun had set again. I would lock myself in one of the private study booths and studied and studied until I felt like my head was going to explode. The skin under my eyes was turning dark and with each morning, I found it harder to get out of bed. But I kept going. And going and going.
Around the same time one year ago, I had just begun doing Media and Culture. Fresh out of high school, unprepared and nowhere near mature, I plunged into the deep, dark space of college life. Suddenly things were expected of me. Things I had to do on my own. I had no idea where to start, but I went along with it, fooling myself into thinking I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. But of course, I didn’t. I didn’t know what I was going to do after I had my BA, or even my MA. I knew I liked film better than television and digital media, but that was it. When the end of the first semester, and therefore also finals, approached, I was struck with Winter Blues. I lost all focus and motivation (if I had any to begin with) and virtually gave up.
I remember breaking down in tears, after realizing I had failed a course, causing me to miss another course in my second semester. I was missing out on 20 ECTS. A part of me, the scholarly part, the part that has a need to excel in academics felt terrible. But the other part, the emotional part of me, didn’t actually really care. It sounds kind of bad, I know, but I didn’t care, because I simply didn’t know what I was doing it for. Getting good grades and getting my diploma used to be enough for me, but not anymore. I need something bigger. Something to strive for. Something that would be my motivation, other than the obvious.
When I was a kid, I always dreamed about becoming a big Hollywood star. My fascination with cinema and Hollywood began at a very young age and I would often dream myself into some sort Hollywood scenario. But, for most of my life, that was all it was. A dream. But when I was in Los Angeles in the summer of 2010 and I stood in front of the Chinese Theater, I couldn’t help but feel that that was where I belonged. That feeling lasted until I set foot on Dutch soil again. What had seemed so close and tangible, had once again turned back into a dream.
During my summer internship at WOVOX in 2011, I kind of discovered myself. I discovered the person I am and the person I want to be. It was then, that I truly discovered my love of film and making films. And when my second year began, I went in with a positive attitude and with my goal of becoming a filmmaker in the back of my mind.
Then I got to talking with K, my very close friend who does the same studies I do. We talked about films and making films and people like Martin Scorsese, Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino. And we talked about how cool it would be if we were to go to Hollywood and make films together. Over the course of time and after some research, our “dream” was turning into a well thought out plan and was becoming more tangible. Is becoming more tangible. Suddenly, there it was. I finally found it. Motivation
So now I’m busting my butt, trying to get the highest grades possible, to get the highest GPA possible, to make my dream come true. K and I are going to get our BA and MA, meanwhile work our butts of and earn money and go to film school in LA. So far, the people I’ve told have been positive (especially my Dad who has always encouraged me to follow my dreams), though when a friend of mine told a friend of hers, who also does the same studies, he responded with: “Isn’t that kind of too out of reach?”
Maybe it is, maybe he’s right. But I’ll never know if I don’t even try first. I wasn’t raised that way. My parents told me to always persevere. And that’s what I’m going to do. I want it bad enough and I am willing to work hard enough. And trust me when I tell you, that one day, you will see my name on a film poster like this: “Academy Award winning director Anlieka Marconi”.