30. Anything you want to post about

Wow. I’ve finally reached the end of the 30 Day Challenge, which I already screwed up anyway since it took me more than 30 days to complete it. But whatever. It says “Anything you want to post about” and this is what I’m going to post about.

Today I watched the newest Glee episode, “Born This Way” you can guess what major musical number they do in this episode, just by the name. The episode is about accepting who you are and loving yourself for what God has given you. And God knows that for the past 18 years, I prayed for hi to take it all back, every single night. I asked him for a different body, different hair, a different personality. I hated the person he’d made me into. I wanted to be someone else, it didn’t really matter who. I just wanted to be anyone else but me.

Remember that voice that I talked about in my Philosophy #5 post? I thought a lot about it and figured that it didn’t just come out of nowhere. People say that kids are pure and innocent, right? Maybe. Newborns, probably. But once they’ve learned how to talk, kids can be the cruelest people of all. I learned that the hard way. I was a shy, chubby kid. I made friends with those really dominant types, because I was such a pushover. I actually stole a girl’s M&Ms once, because this other girl told me to. That’s where the voice stems from. It was all those girls saying I wasn’t good enough to be treated like an equal. Those girls told me (though indirectly) that I had to prove that I was worthy of their friendship. It was awful. But I wanted friends. So that was what I had to do.

When I got older and went to a different school, I broke all contact with those girls. They weren’t there to tell me I wasn’t good enough anymore. But because they’d done that for so long, I was starting to believe it was all true myself. Enter, the voice. That voice that tormented me most of my teenager life. I wouldn’t even look at myself in a window. I was constantly making sure I looked okay (or what I thought other people thought was okay) and I made sure I was behaving in a way that would make people like me. It became an obsession. I wanted people to like me so badly, I wanted to please everyone around me. I wanted, no, I needed friends. I never stopped to think about why this was so important to me, but now I know why. I wasn’t happy with myself. I didn’t like myself. I needed confirmation from others. I needed others to tell me they liked me, so I didn’t have to do it myself. Also I did that terrible thing where I judged everyone around me, ot make myself feel better. (“OMG, look at her pants” “OMG that hair is soooooo ugly”) Kind of sad, isn’t it?

I’m happy to tell you that right now, I have accepted myself. And I’m learning to love who I am. It wasn’t easy. I had a lot of help. Music, mostly. And my best friend J. And of course the great GaGa, “Queen of Self-Love”. I’m accepting the fact that I’ll never be one of those size 2 girls, with legs that seem to come out of their armpits. I’m a size 10 (sometimes 12) girl, with average legs. It took me eighteen years to finally muster up the courage to go outside in shorts. I would never have done that before my whole revelation. And at first, I was so self conscious and I was sure everyone in the street would look at me and go: “OMG, what is she wearing?” But when I finally got outside, no one even so much as looked at me. People don’t care how I look, so why should I? So when I stopped worrying about how I looked, I stopped worrying about how others look. So what if that woman wants to wear orange pants that make her look like a carrot? If that makes her happy, why shouldn’t she? So what if he’s a little fatter? So what if she has a big nose? When I looked around me and stopped caring about what others look like and not judging them on their appearances, I started to really appreciate more things in life. I started appreciating myself. I didn’t gain anything from thinking negatively about other people. Just the illusion that I’m better. Which I’m not.

Whenever one of my friends, or people I’m with, say something about how someone else looks, I try not to participate. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and love myself, but not accept someone else. Also I try to avoid the word “ugly”. Everyone has something that makes them beautiful. I’m not going to put that label, that has hurt me so much for such a long time, on other people. I didn’t deserve that label. And neither does anyone else.

Remember that we all have something that makes us beautiful. And listen to your parents when they tell you that you’re beautiful and perfect, just the way you are. Don’t think they’re only saying it because they’re your parents and they’re supposed to say it, but really listen to them. They mean every word. If you can accept the body that you’re in, if you can love yourself, you’ll see that you’ll feel so much better. Loving yourself is the first step to being able to love someone else. WE WERE BORN THIS WAY!

xo xo

P.S. If you feel the way I used to feel, and you think you need help, please don’t hesitate and drop me a message in my ask box. Or e-mail me at thatgirlinpink@hotmail.com. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger about these things. I know what it feels like. I’m here to help you, if you want.